Sex: we all do it, either with someone else or just with ourselves. Getting laid is one of those elusive human pursuits that everyone aspires to do well. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to get hold of good information on the subject.
This is partly because Western culture is so sex-negative – we don’t like talking about sex in public. But also, there’s an assumption that sex should come ‘naturally.’ It’s supposed to be ‘instinctive’. I disagree! Getting laid is a learned behaviour, and it’s one we need to work on.
I’ve been on this particular journey for a long time. It started when I was a (not so well-behaved) young lady, and it’s continued during my time as an escort. Sex is complicated because people are complicated creatures: what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. How are we supposed to do the right things, when society expects us to instinctively ‘know’ and our partners all enjoy different stuff?
Luckily, there are a few techniques that work in almost any situation. Here they are:
1. Slow down.
Sex isn’t a race to the finish line. Heterosexual sex often focuses on the orgasm (particularly the guy’s orgasm). This means that a lot of the good parts of sex are perceived to be ‘foreplay’, and are considered less important. But the best parts of sex are often the touching, the undressing, the kissing and the exploring. If you rush past these in your eagerness to get to the ‘main event’, you miss out on the real deal.
Women also take a lot longer than guys to get warmed up, so intercourse is a lot more fun when you take the time to explore first. I’m not talking about ten minutes here; I’m talking about an hour or more. I’ve had sex sessions that went for five hours without stopping – you don’t achieve that without hours and hours of foreplay.
2. Make eye contact.
Eye contact is hot regardless of whether you’re with a romantic partner, a casual hook-up or your favourite sex worker. Eye contact makes it harder to ‘zone out’ and lose concentration (because the best sex involves being one-hundred-percent present!) Eye contact also says ‘I see you’ in a way that words don’t. It allows you to tune into the feelings and responses of your partner, so that you become more aware of what they enjoy.
Of course, eye contact won’t tell you everything about what your lover likes. To really learn, you need to ask them, which brings me to my next point…
3. Ask ‘how does this feel?’
Often when I’m in bed with a guy, he’ll say ‘Is this ok?’ He’s asking this because he’s a good guy, and wants to make sure he’s not doing anything I don’t like. But ‘is this okay?’ isn’t that great a line to use during sex. Firstly, it’s a pretty low bar to set – would you want to be having sex with a chick who only thought it was ‘okay’? Don’t you want her to actually be having fun?
Secondly, asking ‘is this okay?’ doesn’t get you any useful information to help make the sex better. Rather, try saying ‘how does this feel?’ Asking in this way encourages your partner to give you more to work with: ‘Yeah, that feels amazing’, or ‘could you move a bit to the left?’, or ‘I have a cramp in my leg.’ Any feedback you can get from your partner is going to improve the experience, whether it’s an adjustment that needs to be made or simply hearing how great things are going.
Western sex often follows a very specific ‘script’. There’s foreplay, then there’s sex, then there’s orgasm. Our script doesn’t leave much room for experimentation; and worse, often we just ‘go through the motions’ without thinking about what we’re doing, because we’re so used to following the same old pattern.
Breaking the habit keeps sex interesting. Try experimenting with touch (stroking, gentle scratching). Try giving your partner a head-to-toe massage, until they’re begging for more. Switch back and forth between intercourse and other activities (this is also great for taking a break to catch your breath.) Try forms of sex that aren’t the usual, such as using toys or mutual masturbation. Anything that gets you ‘off-script’ will make sex seem fresh and interesting.
Getting laid is exciting – our heart rate goes up, we breathe heavily, we make sexy noises … sometimes we even forget to breathe. During sex, deep breathing is essential to stay relaxed and connected to your body. Slow breathing encourages your partner to relax (they will pick up on your vibe, even if they’re not fully conscious of it). It helps you slow down (which in turn makes the sex better and the session longer). Lastly, breathing deeply increases sensation in the body. It makes it easier to reach orgasm, and will give you a more pleasurable orgasm too.
I hope these little tips are useful! They do take a bit of practice … now it’s time to get out there and experiment.