How to connect with your kink

Suspect you might be kinky? You're not alone. ..and sex workers are a great way to get started.
blog-article-img-connecting with your kink

I had kinky sex in a lion ‘onesie’ a week ago, and it was fantastic.

This wasn’t something I ever expected to happen. I recently posted a comment on my blog about onesies – being very tactile, I had always wanted to experiment. I didn’t think anyone would share my interest but was delighted to be contacted by a charming, extremely intelligent man who was just dying to do the same thing! I remember a moment when we had both paused to cool off (it’s pretty warm wearing full-body fleece) and I was watching my friend pour himself a glass of water. The moment felt surreal – who would have thought that one day I’d have the chance to imitate a lion in the bedroom? It was one of the moments where I really appreciated my openness to being kinky.

Kink is simply anything that lies outside conventional, missionary-position sex. It’s relative to your culture and your experience. In the ‘kink scene’ we call conventional sex ‘vanilla’ – because not everyone likes vanilla ice cream, right? There are so many other flavours on offer!

I believe almost everyone is kinky in some way. As Alfred Kinsey observed, ‘deviant’ sexual behaviour is so common that we should probably consider it normal. Our sexual tastes are just another of those characteristics that define us as individuals. If you only ever want missionary sex, that’s perfectly acceptable too…but I’ve always wanted to try new things!

How does one know when one is kinky? For some people there is an early awareness, for others it develops over time. As a child I remember wanting to be the bad guy when kids played ‘cops and robbers’ so that I could be the one that was locked up – this is a common experience for people who identify as masochists or submissives. As an older person I did a lot of online text-based role-playing and I often found my stories would take on a darker feel, with bondage being a recurring theme. Later on in life I developed an interest in manipulating others, and I now identify as a ‘top’. I’ve also had the chance to explore a lot of kink that doesn’t involve power play, such as sploshing (food play), wrestling and, of course, the onesies.

I have read stories about guys who were fascinated with women’s shoes from a very young age and later identified as foot fetishists. I have heard of men who remember the neighbourhood girls being spanked by their parents when they were growing up, and having a fetish for spanking women now. Conversely, I have also known people who considered themselves perfectly ‘straight’ until the opportunity to be kinky came up and they discovered that they enjoyed it.

A few common kinks:

  • Bondage (tying someone up, being tied up)
  • Discipline (giving or receiving physical or mental punishment)
  • Domination and submission (acting the role of a slave, or playing at being a master to a slave)
  • Sadism (enjoying inflicting pain on others – with their permission, obviously)
  • Masochism (enjoying receiving pain)
  • Role-playing (for example playing doctors and nurses, being rescued by a fireman)
  • Cross-dressing (wearing clothes that are traditionally associated with the opposite sex
  • Foot fetishism (play involving feet or shoes, foot worship or being walked on)

There are some basics you should know before you experiment. In kinky terms, a ‘top’ is a person who likes doing things to other people, whereas a ‘bottom’ is one who likes having things done to them. A ‘master’ or ‘mistress’ or ‘dominant’ is a person who likes to be in control, and a ‘slave’ or ‘submissive’ is a person who likes to be controlled. A ‘switch’ may be able to act as a top OR bottom, a dominant OR submissive depending on the situation.

In all situations where two or more people play together, there will be a ‘safe word’ which can be used to stop the play at any time, if a participant is scared or uncomfortable. Above all, it’s important to always practice what is called ‘risk-aware, consensual kink’. Your play needs the consent of everyone involved, and you should minimise the risk of physical or psychological harm by doing your research and behaving responsibly.

The Internet is fantastic for those wanting to experiment with kink. There are a lot of resources for learning about your interests. Online it’s also possible to connect with people who like any number of flavours – from popular BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism) to the more obscure fetishes. Seeing the range of interests that exist is eye-opening and it encourages tolerance; not everyone is going to share your kink but it’s important to be accepting of different tastes.

It’s not always necessary to have a partner to practise kink. For those who do require a playmate, seeing a sex worker is a great way to start. Sex workers who specialise in this sort of play – fetish escorts and professional dominants – are very accepting of desires that mainstream society considers ‘unusual’. They have often undertaken training to allow them to engage in fetish play safely, and they won’t do anything you don’t want them to do. A professional fetish escort or dominatrix will give you a ‘safe word’ to use during play whenever you feel you’re not comfortable. A good worker will also look after you when your session is over to ensure you’ve had a positive experience.

Personally, the thrill of trying something new is my biggest kink. I’d encourage everyone to abandon ‘vanilla’ sex every now and again. If you think you might have kinky tendencies, exploring can only lead to a better knowledge of your sexual self. Even if it’s not necessarily getting dressed up as a lion…but if that is your thing, please give me a call!

This article was originally published on Scarlet Blue.

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