“I'm attracted to younger women - am I a bad person?”

What about older clients with younger SW’s? I’m 46 years old and the escort that has really caught my eye (not just the pics, but the intelligent, articulate and mature bio) describes herself as in her 20’s. So, am I a dirty perv trying desperately to grasp onto my distant youth? Should I be looking only for older escorts? I’m firmly of the belief that age is just a number, but it seems that’s only because I’m the old one!

There’s a lot of shame around sex. It’s usually the way we’re been brought up – we’re told that our desires are unacceptable, and that we’re bad people for wanting our sexual needs satisfied.

For women, this often means being labeled ‘sluts’ for having too much sex (or the wrong sort, or with the wrong people). For men, sex-shaming often takes the form of, ‘all men are dirty pervs.’ Our parents, religious leaders, teachers, and the media often stereotype men as having gross, uncontrollable sexual desires.

Know what I think? I think our sexual desires are normal and natural, and we’re all capable of having sex responsibly while caring for our partners.

Society often frowns upon guys who have sex with much younger women, due to the potential power imbalance. And it's not unheard of: I’ve met guys in the past who specifically seek out younger escorts because they assume it will be easier to pressure them into unwanted activities.  These kinds of clients usually get a quick reality check. Most escorts are experts at setting boundaries - we know what we will and won’t do and will be very direct about saying 'no'!

(By the way, I don't necessarily think this kind of 'power imbalance' situation is always about gender - any person who is older, more mature, or more advantaged in other ways might try to manipulate their partner. It's not okay, regardless of who does it.)

Even if you don’t intend harm, fixating on someone’s age might make them feel like a trophy rather than a person. Many of my lady friends have stories about being harassed by older men when they were in their teens or early twenties, simply because their youth made them more of a 'catch'. Their experiences left them feeling used. That’s not okay.

But that’s not what’s going on here. You’re seeing an escort – an adult who has chosen to take up sex work as a job. The nice thing about this kind of service is that you might have the chance to be intimate with all kinds of people that you wouldn't normally. It might not be realistic to want to date a woman in her twenties, but you can certainly pay one for her professional attention!

Although your worker is younger, you’re attracted to her intelligence and personality, not just her appearance. As long as you’re treating her kindly, respecting her boundaries, and seeing her as a whole person, I honestly don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.