“I’m a virgin – is seeing an escort a good idea?”

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Q: I’m a 25 years old virgin guy who has never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl due to insecurity problems. I know that in the end what I want is a romantic relationship, and that I need to get over my insecurities to achieve that. But I’m also really curious about sex and I want to experience it, although I feel like some connection would be important to me, because I don’t want to feel like I’m using another person for my physical pleasure as if she was a Fleshlight or a sex doll. I’ve been thinking about escorts a lot recently, but I don’t know… Could escorts really be a good option for me? How can I have sex with connection if my actions could easily be seen as desperate and cause pity? Would it become a problem in the future if a girlfriend or potential girlfriend found out? Would I need to take that secret to my grave? 

Georgie: Seeing an escort to lose your virginity is definitely something some guys do. Often it’s a deliberate move, to ‘get it out of the way’ so that they can relax and start dating people without feeling anxious about their lack of sexual experience. Or, if someone has trouble finding a partner, it can be a totally valid way to explore your sexuality.

Is it right for everyone? No. Is it a great option? Yeah, it sure is!

The thing to know about seeing an escort is that it’s a sexual service – it’s not going to be the same experience as dating someone. When you see an escort there’s much less time to make an emotional connection – the connection is still there, but it’s going to feel different to being with someone you know really well. Personally, I don’t see this as a problem…but if you are really hung up on the idea that sex needs to happen along with love and commitment, seeing an escort might not tick the right boxes for you.

Having said that, seeing an escort is not just about ‘using someone’s body.’ It’s an exchange where you get to know them a little, and their participation is just as important as yours – so it’s nothing like having a sex doll! Treating your partners as objects makes for very bad sex – the best way to go about it is to think “how can this be fun for both of us?” .. or, better still, ask them, “what can I do to make this fun for you too?” Caring about whether your partner is enjoying themselves is the whole reason sex with another person is so good! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that emotional stuff doesn’t happen, just because you’re seeing an escort.

I wholeheartedly encourage guys who want to learn about sex to see escorts. If you choose the right person, it can be a really safe way to give it a go.

As for the future…well, I guess how you feel about losing your virginity to an escort depends on how you feel about yourself. If you beat yourself up for seeing a sex worker, or feel inadequate, then it might tarnish your memories of that experience. But honestly, lots of guys see escorts to have their sexual needs met, and it doesn’t mean they’re desperate. We don’t feel guilty for paying someone to give us a massage, so why do we feel guilty about paying someone for another type of physical service? Lots of people see escorts for all sorts of reasons, including people who are in relationships or who get laid a lot in their won time. It’s not something to be ashamed of.

And if you meet someone in the future and start having a relationship? Unfortunately, due to the fact that society is so down on sex work, they might have a reaction to it. It’s your job to weight up that risk, and decide whether your needs now are more important than the risk of being judged by a date in the future. Personally, if my partner judged me for my past sexual adventures, I’d DTMFA.

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