When I was a wild twentysomething I thought that having a good night out meant having great sex.
I’d go out with my friends, drink too much, party too hard and sometimes I’d wind up taking someone home. The details are blurry because so much time has passed (and so many drinks were consumed) but one thing I do remember was the joy of landing a ‘good catch’.
I had a number of successes: the army boy who could do push-ups while I sat on his shoulders, the gorgeous academic with an IQ of 160, the wild chick who tied me up. Every time I met someone new it felt like a gift – an unexpected win. Success was unpredictable: although things sometimes went right, they often went wrong.
I was treated badly by guys who wanted to get off and then run away as quickly as possible. I was pressured into doing things I didn’t want to do, because my hook-ups told me ‘that’s the way everyone does it’ (and I was too naive to know any different.) I was rejected in ways that hurt; I also rejected others without any thought for their feelings.
I also had a lot of bad sex. It wasn’t spectacularly bad – not enough so to make me shout ‘stop the ride, I want to get off!’ It was more uninspiring than awful: often I just didn’t ‘click’ with my partner and the sex felt awkward. I’d always assumed that this was simply a fact of life: sometimes sex was good, and sometimes it sucked. I figured I had to control over the outcome.
When I became an escort, my attitude changed. Suddenly it was my job to make sure the sex went well.
This, you see, is what sex work is all about. It’s not just about being sexually available. Rather, a good escort takes responsibility for the entire encounter. After speaking to my client about what he or she needs, I plan a session specifically to suit them. I help them feel at ease and guide them through the experience. I take care of the safer sex, suggest new positions and techniques. Most importantly: I make the situation safe for my partner. Rather than risking awkwardness, I strive to ensure that every sexual encounter feels natural and effortless even though we may have only just met.
When I became an escort I was faced with a dilemma. Now I had to ask myself: should we just trust to luck during sex or is it possible to ensure a good encounter? The answer, of course, is the latter. But it took a while to learn how to make good sex happen every time.
There’s this idea that we’re just supposed to know how to ‘do’ sex. Nobody really shows us or teaches us, it’s just assumed to be instinctive. Therefore when things go well, we feel good about ourselves but when they go badly, we feel like failures.
My work showed me that whether en encounter goes well or badly is dependent on a whole lot of factors – and our worthiness as people isn’t one of them! The connection between two people, whether they click, the circumstances, the negotiation and everyone’s sex skills can all make or break a sexual adventure.
Furthermore, it’s difficult to get all these factors aligned. Sometimes everything falls into place – these are the ‘miraculous’ experiences, the ones that feel perfect and effortless. But most sex isn’t like that. With most sex, people are well-matched in some ways but not others. Human beings are complex, and we’re not designed to fit well with everyone. In these 50/50 circumstances (which are the majority of sexual encounters, both paid and unpaid) the skills and approach of the players determine the success of the encounter.
Take connection for example: how much I like someone makes a huge difference to how much I enjoy having sex with them. But the process of coming to like and appreciate someone is slow – it doesn’t happen immediately. Most people have something likable about them, if only I take the time to get to know them. If I didn’t take the time, I might not come to appreciate my partners and I’d be much more likely to fail.
And then there’s sex skills. Learning to have a good touch (and communicate with your partner about what they like) definitely makes a difference. Even if your partner and yourself are a good match, you still can’t read their mind. It’s necessary to experiment until you find the things you both enjoy doing with each other. This attention to detail is something most regular folks neglect, because they’ve been taught that sex skills are innate and should just happen ‘instinctively’.
I believe everyone should have access to quality hook-up information. There aren’t many folks who have the skills and less who are willing to share them openly. But as your friendly neighbourhood sex worker, I’m willing to share. There are a number of basic sex skills that seem to help almost everyone have better experiences.
I started writing these ideas down. and now I have a book. It’s called ‘the Art of the Hook-Up’ and it’s a friendly, down-to-earth guide with lots of information – both physical and psychological – to help take your sexual adventures to the next level. Most of the skills I have learned aren’t complicated. They are simple ideas and practices: communication, mindfulness, appreciating your partner, knowing how to say ‘no’ and to ask for what you want….to name a few. The book is due for release soon, but we already have the first few chapters ready for download to get you started on your journey.
Good sex is sometimes an accident, but I think it should happen by design. With the right know-how, you too can be a sexpert. It’s totally do-able. I think everyone should be learning more sex skills because when we put our minds to it, everything gets better.