“I don’t share anything personal about myself with the escorts I see – why would I? It’s just about sex.”
The words popped up on my screen – an opinion offered on Twitter by a long-time punter.
Ironically, I had just spent half an hour doing exactly that – sharing my thoughts with a lovely gent over coffee in my local cafe. I’d spoken with him about my latest writing projects and favourite books. He had described his hobby farm in rural Victoria, and talked about how proud he was of his kids. Our coffee date had been fun – flirty and interesting. He had left with a promise to call and arrange a sexier booking in the future.
When I’m spending time with clients I love feeling as though I’m on a date: the connection, the stories, the interesting insights into another person’s life. But, as I learned from that Twitter post, not everyone feels that way.
Why do we call a booking with an escort a ‘date’? Is it really a date? And why bother going on a date with an escort, when it’s considered a simple sexual transaction? To answer these questions, I’ll need to tell you about my very first day as a sex worker.
I started work in a brothel when I was twenty-eight years old. Let’s be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect. Most people outside the sex industry think that sex work is just all about fucking people – that’s why it’s called ‘sex work’, right? Accordingly, I assumed that I’d be meeting a lot of horny, desperate and unattractive guys who just wanted to get off.
Boy, was I wrong about that! Once I started actually meeting the clients, I had to change my opinion.
Here’s how it works: us ladies would sit in the private lounge until a client (or group of them) arrived. Then we would sashay out to introduce ourselves, one-by-one. The men who visited us were diverse – every imaginable age and shape and ethnic background. Some were of average or below-average looks, but plenty were young, fit and conventionally attractive. Every time I met someone new, I’d say ‘what are you looking for?’ and ‘what sort of lady did you want?’ and the answers, too, were always different. There was no typical type of client and no typical type of session.
I mean, sure, some guys just wanted to have sex then leave. But there was usually more involved than just sex. Some of my clients wanted to talk beforehand and get to know me, and some of them just wanted to talk – no sex needed! I remember holding someone in my arms as they told me about their bad marriage and listening to another describe his kinks (I assured him that they were perfectly normal). I spent a memorable hour with a gent who wanted to get me off – he wasn’t at all interested in his own sexual pleasure. It became clear to me that our clients weren’t just looking for orgasms. They were also seeking out all sorts of other satisfaction: companionship, conversation, compliments, contact.
When I became an independent escort I discovered I had even more freedom to take care of my clients’ intellectual and emotional needs. No longer did we have to hurry to avoid the ‘buzzer’ announcing the end of the session. No longer were we limited to one room – we could spend time in settings that inspired us. I’ve had some wonderful dates in up-market hotel rooms, but have also enjoyed meeting my clients in whiskey bars, at the cinema, at my favourite restaurant or even in the park for a long walk and a chat.
Seeing an escort isn’t about exchanging money for sex. It’s about paying for access to someone’s sexpertise, time and attention. When you pay to see an escort, you’re paying for the opportunity to make a meaningful connection with someone.
Some people don’t think paid sex should get mixed up with emotion, but I disagree. The best sex involves two people appreciating each other with their minds as well as their bodies. After all, if you aren’t interested in your partner as a person, why find them attractive at all? The best sex happens when there is connection, communication and understanding. Without all this we just feel as though we’re being used (or using others) for physical pleasure.
So in order to have the best sex possible, it’s necessary to establish a bit of a connection with the object of your affection. This process looks exactly the same as a romantic date. In my case, I often spend an hour or more chatting with a client before we get down to the sexy stuff. Finding out about them enables me to get a feel for what they might enjoy during play-time. It also helps us to appreciate each other, and therefore to value the sex we have more so than if we were complete strangers. When we have a lot of time to spend – such as over drinks or a dinner date – then the real magic happens. I’ve found that treating an escort booking like an actual date results in a heightened level of closeness, so that by the time we end up back at the hotel we’re both feeling enthusiastic about becoming intimate. Without all that build-up, flirting and conversation it wouldn’t be the same.
The main difference between a ‘real’ date and an escort date is that sex work has a boundary. Although we spend time getting to know each other, the friendship and play relationship starts and finishes at the boundaries of the session time. Outside of it, I’m just another professional. But isn’t that what makes it so much fun? Real-life relationships are messy and time-consuming; sometimes it’s much more relaxing to have a genuine interlude that’s clearly defined, so that you don’t have to worry about what will happen the next day.
When we all know the rules, you can relax and enjoy yourself in the time that we do have. And you can rest assured that there will never be any drama, nor any issues that interfere with the other parts of your life.
This is my advice: treat your escort booking as though it were a romantic adventure. Open a bottle of wine, order some good food and spend some time getting to know the person you’re going to become intimate with. When we share parts of ourselves with others, it makes for a much more satisfying encounter. And it’s safe: you know the rules and won’t have to worry about any messy emotional left-overs. What’s not to like?