Who do you trust? Everyone has a story.
“My mum is my best friend,” a girlfriend tells me over drinks, “we talk about everything.”
Another one of my friends: “The people I play games with online don’t have any secrets. We’ve never met in person, but we know exactly what’s going on in each other’s’ lives.”
“I have an ex-girlfriend who helps me out whenever I’m having trouble in a relationship.” says a favourite client.
When we need to talk to someone about our sex lives, it’s even harder to find a confidante. Talking about sex is a vulnerable experience. When I open up to others about my desires, it puts me at risk because a rejection of my sexual self would hurt. It’s such an important, yet fragile, part of my mental ecosystem. With this in mind, I can see how my clients sometimes struggle when we are alone together. It’s pretty scary to be honest about your sexual needs with someone who is almost a stranger!
We don’t always have the luxury of choosing who to confide in. Sometimes it happens by necessity. I know a friend who underwent chemotherapy for brain cancer – normally an eccentric, unsociable guy, he became very close to the live-in nurse who cared for him in the last months of his life. He was lucky – he happened to end up working with the right person.
Sometimes it’s easy to trust because the stakes are low. If your cashier gives you the incorrect change at the supermarket, it doesn’t ruin your day (at least, I hope it doesn’t). It’s the big-ticket items that can really put us in a vulnerable state: our past experiences, our feelings and our sexuality. Many of my clients don’t have someone to confide in about their sex lives. Some of them have unusual sexual interests that they can’t talk about with their friends and partners. Some had bad experiences in the past, but struggle to discuss it because they feel as though they aren’t allowed to admit to making mistakes. I appreciate how difficult it can be to say “I don’t like my body” or “I get depressed when I feel rejected” or even “My girlfriend said my kink isn’t okay.”
I’m not generalising of course – it’s not scary for everyone. But for some clients it can be very scary indeed. This is sometimes expressed subtly, as a comment about feeling nervous. Sometimes a potential client wants to talk about their desires but has trouble opening up, and we need to speak on the phone or meet for coffee so that they know I’m a safe person to trust. It’s especially evident with couples, where taking the plunge and seeing an escort is a a big decision. There’s always reassuring to be done before both members of a couple feel at ease.
When we need others and we’re let down, it’s hard to get over. It’s impossible to stay strong all the time. Being treated badly by the people we trust can cause feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness, and it becomes harder to trust the next time around.
As a sex worker, I feel that I have a duty of care towards my clients. I owe them the time and space to be themselves. I owe them confidentiality, so that they can trust their personal information is secure. Most of all, I owe them the security of knowing they won’t be judged. It’s a rare and precious experience to have! Escorting is one of the few ways many guys can access a safe space to be themselves.
As long as you treat me with respect and discretion, you can rely on me to keep your personal details private, listen to you and accept you for whoever you are. That’s my code of honour.