This blog topic is probably a bit silly. But bear with me, because the apocalypse could come at any moment, and we might just be the ones to help you survive…
I dream about the end of the world a lot. It has been happening all my life: sometimes I dream about zombies, sometimes nuclear war. Sometimes I dream the world is ending simply by some sort of mutual agreement (‘we’ve fucked it up, guys!’) and everyone is just filing off the earth shaking hands and saying ‘it’s been great.’ Sometimes the Nazis take over – a scenario perhaps not that removed from the present day…
When I was younger, I would always be trying to run away in my dreams. I would imagine myself hiding and trying to survive. I was always scared. Things are different now. In the present day I dream about leading – when everything bad happens, I’m the one that gathers people around me, who arms everyone before we step out to protect humanity. I’m the head of the survivalist gang. I’m the one who is captured by the enemy and then chosen to take charge because I’m just so damn tough and resourceful. Sex work is undoubtedly responsible for my renewed sense of self-confidence. I didn’t feel like a proper adult until I started doing sex work – I always acted as though someone else would be around to protect me. After escorting for some years, I know that my safety is all down to me, and I’m stronger and much more useful for that knowledge. I have to protect myself – and more than that, I’m responsible for my actions and any situations I get myself into. It’s time to admit there is nobody more competent at protecting me than myself – and no-one as motivated.
Last night, as usual, I dreamed that zombies were invading the earth. I had no weapons; all the good stuff had been taken by the guys, while us women were left with nothing but household implements. I was thoroughly pissed off that we’d been left with so little, but we did our best: I ran around trying screwdrivers to broomsticks so that I could do battle. I guess that’s pretty realistic – if it actually happened, men would probably make off with all the shotguns and I’d be left with a kitchen knife and gardening shears.
So if the zombie apocalypse did happen, how would sex work skills help us escorts survive?
We’re good at improvising. I’ve never let a lack of appropriate tools stop me! I’ve been known to use kitchen equipment to spank people. I’m especially good at finding receptacles to drink out of when we run out of champagne glasses. Being able to improvise on the spur of the moment is an important skill for zombie attack – you may be lucky enough to find yourself in a shooting range when war breaks out, but what if you’re at the supermarket?
We tend to have good core strength, and strong legs. Years of riding cowgirl have given me impressive quadriceps. So surely I’d have the ability to walk, to run, for long periods without getting worn out and falling into the clutches of marauding groups of the undead – assuming the zombie invasion didn’t happen the day after leg day at the gym, in which case I’d be screwed!
Sex workers are hard to faze. I have it on good authority that one lady, in the ‘Why should I book you?’ section on her website, writes “Because I won’t bail on you if the zombie apocalypse starts while we’re in a booking.” That’s some serious gumption there. I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my lifetime, and I don’t think a few hundred undead is going to freak me out.
We have really good interpersonal skills. I reckon I’d be able to negotiate between warring factions, and I wouldn’t take any shit from guys who thought they could do a better job than me at managing our little band of survivors.
Multitasking is really important when you’re in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. Forget having crazy sex, being able to reach the lube, and dirty-talking at the same time! I’d be able to forage for food, keep an eye out for killer undead, and simultaneously make sure I didn’t shoot myself in the foot with my shotguns (or drop my chainsaw….)
We’re good at tying people up – especially us kinky ladies, who can reliably incapacitate someone using only some old rope, masking tape, or a few cable ties. We can also do a great hog tie! If anyone gives us shit, I’m confident we could take them down and then make sure they couldn’t get up again. That is, assuming the apocalypse has gaffer tape. Not to mention gagging noisy opponents so that they don’t attract the zombies…that would be super important.
Escorts are assertive. In a dog-eat-dog world where nice guys definitely finish last (or get eaten) we would know how to get our own way and to stand up for ourselves. We’d have no trouble killing anyone who started to turn undead; practicality is everything!
Our huge collections of towels would come in handy for ministering to the wounded.
Our handbags have huge storage capacities – for example, mine could easily fit a handgun, a lot of rope, and a decent amount of medical supplies. And I’m used to carrying it everywhere – imagine how much easier it would be when I’m not wearing heels? Which brings me to my next point…
High heels are deadly weapons.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this thought experiment. I’m not scary, I promise…just capable. If the zombie apocalypse breaks out, you’d do well to get an escort or two on your side.
Thanks to all the ladies who contributed their thoughts to this article!